Gone for so long!

I've been gone awhile, I know.  Not the ideal way to find, get, keep and audience.  My head has been swimming for... well, I guess really I don't know when it wasn't, but this time's different. This time, there is intent, confidence, strength.  And self-empowerment, I think I'm finding that, too, learning how to do it in healthy and honest ways.  Self-empowerment will never come from self-destruction, even when it feels like it -- that's something else, I think.  In the simplest terms, a lie.

So here's been my struggle with this blog. To start with, I thought  it would give me something I could always be able to write about.  I wanted to do this as a writer, who happened to have survived something horrific, not to be categorized as a part of the disabled writer's movement. And that has kept me from writing in my blog.  I really wanted to use this as a platform for being a writer, everything I read about getting an audience stressed the topic.... it has to have some sort of demographic.  I figured being internally decapitated would get a bit of attention.  I've been regularly attending therapy lately and am using EMDR as well as talk therapy, and it's amazing.  My emotional scar tissue is shedding away, I'm learning to stop suppressing myself to accommodate others, including myself.  Especially myself. My self.  And I'm learning what I've been doing in my head and how I've been interpreting feelings (about myself and others) and relationships and what's important.... I'm learning it's time to speak my truths, what my truth really is and what I should be doing with them, how to understand them, use them to my advantage, even the sad ones.   

I spent a week at Naropa in Boulder, a school I've been dreaming of for 15 years. I finally made it, even for just a week.  That week changed my life, changed me, changed my writing and my thoughts and processes and goals and ambitions and re birthed that passion for writing poetry that's been gone for so many years.  But I don't know if I'm ready to share those intensities with you yet, if I'm ready to be that vulnerable for you yet. Maybe some day...

So, here I sit in this whirlwind of words and dreams and a little bit of vomit and spilled ashtrays and wonder what it is I should write about, what I should share with you and how.

I think this is all I need to share right now.  I hope that I can share at least once a week.  I won't guarantee that it'll always be about something medical, or that it'll be grammatically accurate or even interesting.  I definitely won't promisie that I'll go back and proofread or edit before I post because I probably wonn't. As part of my using this platform as a writer, this, for me, needs to be more of a journal --- edited in my head before I can type it in a bright white box in a blogging app. 

None the matter, I am starting anew as of this post, and we will see together (me and like the 2 of you that read here) where this blog takes me....

as always, please feel free to post comments and questions, only if they are honest and respectful.  I will only edit disrespectful comments