asked and answered, a poem

one of my dedicated followers has been asking me to post some of my poetry.... this is a first draft, and not one of my best, but it is one of the poems that I've written that falls into the newly named genre of disability poetry.  It's always been really hard for me to go back and edit my poetry, for me poetry is my emotion, even if my poems lack feeling words.  In my head I always think that I'll never find that exact emotion over that exact stimuli again, so editing to me, in the past, has seemed superficial and created a disconnect from the original words and the edit.  I've learned that this isn't true, but I still have not gone back to edit this piece... maybe it'll happen as I type it here for you, but maybe  not.  I, just like all art, am a work in progress.  Before I started this blog, I had daily ideas for topics and what I wanted to say. Since I started this blog, I've gotten more into my writing -- spending hours a day working as a writer, either writing, researching or reading.  Since I have started a Twitter account for myself, my writer-self, I keep thinking that I want to start a blog that is just my writing... so many fears, though... how much easier it is for someone to steal my work, my words, my feelings?  I am hoping that I get to workshop with Thurston Moore (founder of Sonic Youth, y'all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) at The Jack Kerouac School of Disembodied Poetics at the Naropa Institute in Boulder this summer -- I missed him last year, and I can't risk missing him forever at Naropa as I did Allen Ginsberg (a founder of the school and one of my first favorite poets), not finding out about this school until Mr. Ginsberg sadly passed away.  Anyway, I think I'm stalling because I really may think this poem is a piece of shit, and I'm not saying that to get compliments.... Please read my "editorial" after the poem regarding comments.  Without further procrastination, I present:
                       
FUSED


a brutal overload of screws and rods
in such beautiful colors
you'd never know
from far away
these pieces had shred marks,
until you see them up close
and recognize remnants
of skull and bone
   maybe even skin and other soft tissue
   or dried up fluids
   in hidden places the autoclave missed

they held a girl's head on
straight but crooked
for the last six fucking years --
these "pretty pieces"
of metal
caused sickening pain and
dreams of death,

and now
I hold those loose screws
in my hands,
new hardware resides in my neck
my skull,
and the commercial on TV says
it may cause trouble swallowing or nerve damage
but i had all that before,
after the first time they put Humpty Dumpty
back together again


***Ok,  so.... as far as comments on this piece:  First of all, it's a totally different piece than what I was typing from; this isn't the end, it's just where I had to stop right now to figure out where to go from here; if you'd like to leave a comment, workshop style (that is, critiquing my poem), please be constructive, and realize this is a work in progress; this piece is a total mess, but it is the only thing I have at the moment that relates to my blog (that I can find), also please be nice, I was completely whacked on morphine at the time I began this piece and I'm working on it....
I'll post a good one in a different post

Life is a game and I'm finally ready to play...

My mantra for the week has been: I'm not fuckin' around anymore!
I have been out of the house every day for 3 weeks, I've been on time for appointments and plans, I've gotten on the treadmill, I've been doing my physical therapy exercises, I've been talking to people, reading emphatically, writing, trying to get organized.... In the words of Penny Lane, "It's all happening..."
I've been a procrastinator, lazy, gluttonous. I've been self-righteous and self-hating (don't they always go together?).... 3 weeks ago, my normal day involved dragging my ass out of bed around 12-2 and pretty much laying around watching tv all day. Yes, I admit that it's nice to not have to go to work but it also allows for a lot of waste -- body and mind. I'll never be strong or consistent enough in my body to be able to have a "normal" job, and by that I mean this: I don't know how I will wake up feeling from day to day - I could be ok, or maybe I can't get out of bed or walk. Somedays I can't breathe as well, somedays I almost pass out in the shower from lack of oxygen. I can't promise an employer that I will be able to sit, stand, lift, or even speak. I also can't promise them that I will be at work. My issue isn't not being able to find a job, I truly can't work in the traditional sense of the word. The real issue is what happens when I don't have anywhere I have to be, really no one to answer to...
The last couple weeks have really taught me that I am responsible for everything. If I'm not happy, it's my responsibility to get happy. I can put in place certain rules for myself, wake up by x:xx, shower, be on time, whatever, but NO ONE holds me to any of it but me. Everyone in my life is so used to me missing appointments, bailing out of plans, sleeping all day, avoiding society because it hurts, etc.
Of course it hurts, it's life, and "life is trauma." (Jeanette Winterson)